As myself and classmates are finding out to our cost, Chinese ayis can be fearsome, fearsome beasts. In my limited experience, Chinese families appear to be matriarchal in the extreme. Somehow, once sweet, youthful Chinese girls are transformed into tyrants intent on managing every aspect of life they possibly can...
However, as they are not without their weaknesses, they can be managed fairly easily with appropriate care. Hence follows my brief guide to survival of being mothered, Chinese style:
1. Accept that no matter how old you are, in her eyes, you shall always be a rebellious 14 year old.
2. As such, enjoy comments along the lines of 'You must wear slippers in the house! If you don't wear shoes, you will get cold feet, which cause diarrhoea.' or 'Westerners don't know how to cook.' Do not try to argue, merely accept, and chuckle.
3. Pander to their authority. Most ayis, if you accept the lecture, but then in fact do not do as told, will not comment overmuch. They appear to prefer the illusion of complete authority...
4. Similarly, do not question their actions. Should your ayi decide that now is the time to stock up on cabbages for the winter, and subsequently fill the entire hallway with cabbages and the smell of cabbages, do not ask such questions as 'How are three people going to eat enough cabbages for a small army of rabbits, even if the winter should be cold enough that they don't rot?'
5. Tiresome as it is, they are merely concerned about you.
6. Pick battles wisely. Wearing slippers in the house is a small price to pay for being able to return at 3am and NOT be greeted by the face of a disapproving ayi, muttering dire threats about 'people who have fun'. However, the idea that food can be made 'Western' by the addition of sweet mayonnaise is to be contested no matter what.
7. Start claiming you are full as soon as chopsticks touch rice. If you delay even a moment, you will find yourself consuming as much food as can physically be forced down your gullet, and then some.
8. Ayis like to hear of their charges doing well. Report good exam results, or claim to have put on weight, and watch the grin spread over her face... This will shortly be followed by an exhortation to do even better next time, or an exclamation that you are still far too thin, but she will be so pleased you are trying that she might briefly forget to manage your life.
9. Ayis are deep down - albeit very deep down - sensitive creatures.There is as yet little hard evidence for this, but research is ongoing.
10. Yes, she will insist on showing your messy room off to all her guests, just so she can find support in the ongoing battle to get you to tidy it to her standards.
11. Flattery works.
12. Failing flattery, as with most tyrannical regimes, passive resistance can be effective.
All this stated, I am reluctantly quite fond of my ayi. She brings much amusement to my life, and I have never met anyone so enthusiastic to do other people's washing, despite my best attempts to tell her I can and will do it myself. Myself and my host father collude in agreeing with her whilst she is in, and discussing politics whilst she is not - we have now covered more or less every taboo topic in Chinese politics, and I have done my best to explain the state of British politics, the Reformation, cricket and Guy Fawkes to him, with varying degrees of success.
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